My Most Insecure Moment Happened …..
February 5, 2012Posted by on
[this post is inspired by Ying-a-Ling’s most recent post, The Spies Among Us Are Children]
…. when I was among a bunch of kids. And I have always been confident that I am a “natural” with kids, or at least, half a “natural”. The theory behind it is that children, whose eyes are untainted by the smoke and dust in the adult world, have instinct like animals to tell genuinely good and bad people apart. It is funny how I love to stick to those bizarre almost home-made theories (a phrase I just coined, meaning something theory that will make sense after some processing in mind on your own, which may or may not make sense to other people, somewhat arbitrary and depending on the particular individual) , which caused me anxiety when the man-bitch little poodle my aunt owns back home kept barking at me and subsequently followed me like a potsticker on my butt when his master is away, and when….
at my tkd school, on this past Saturday.
After going to tkd for a bit more than 4 months, I have slowly acquired the composure that, when you walk into a room, you feel you own it, at least a share (convertible or preferred), which may not be obvious to others. But it is you who matters, right?
So I marched, with my stately composure, into the changing room. I secured a spot, near a bunch of little girls in their uniform or not, giggling and goldfish cracker fighting. I subsequently started to quickly dig out stuff from bag and try to get ready.
I made eye contact with some of them, in my usual friendly adult way. I had no idea how much trouble it would have caused me. My interest in them was clearly redirected by them to counter me in an Aikido or Jujutsu fashion. I am a die-hard advocate for sports-style Taekwondo, because I am mostly a coward and can only bark rather than bite. Anyways.
Our eyes met; I am clearly more interesting than goldfish crackers. They started to watch me stripping/changing from jeans into workout pants. They started to whisper, with their mouth covered and looking at me through the corner of their eyes. I even overheard words like “her” “shirt” “haha”….
Are these little *****es talking about me behind my back in front of my face? ?
They are by no means bound by the social convention that you shut up when the gossiping target was made aware of such gossiping activities. Or they just plainly don’t care. I don’t belong to their little people world anyways. I am just a clumsy adult who is awkwardly stripping in a ungraceful manner.
But the thing is, I wasn’t mad; I didn’t even think that I could have just dismissed them. They are kids anyways. But no, I started to feel this surge of insecurity. Like how I would feel if I keep putting on the pants backwards, or can’t tie my shoe laces, in a kindergarten. It must have been like this, because I had little recollection of happenings during my kindergarten career (age 3-5).
What they are laughing about? Are they seeing some stain on my soul that I haven’t seen myself? Why am I not liked by them? The hostility was especially hard for me to chew. A couple of little girls totally broke my half-finished owning-it mind-set, which I possessed like 5 min ago. I don’t know why.
Actually I do. Kids are like magnifying glasses. We see all our traits through them so clearly.
OMG, I think I really finally understood Anderson’s story…..